Today, I saw a woman walking across the street with her baby in a stroller, but she wasn't even using the crosswalk. I thought to myself, What a stupid and dangerous decision! I hope she never does that again!
This caused me to think about all of the stupid things I have done that I should probably never repeat. Here are some that I'm willing to share and provide some anti-advice about:
1. Cut a jalapeno and rub your eye afterward with the jalapeno finger. Um...ouch.
2. Get hit by a car. No need to explain. This is not fun.
3. Tell the guy working at the movie theater, "you too," when he tells you to enjoy the movie.
4. Say, "Oh my God," during a church service.
5. Drop your computer on the hard floor.
6. Drop your phone on the cement without its protective Otterbox case.
7. Shut your finger in the car door. Walk around with a terribly ugly black fingernail from said car door.
8. Wearing shoes with horrible traction (after a late night), walk briskly on the ice, fall from walking so briskly, hit your face on the ice, and fracture your eye socket. Don't do it, folks. It hurts, and you'll look like a total idiot sporting a black eye for a month.
9. Intend to take a short nap, wake up 4 hours later, get confused about the time, start getting ready for work, and realize it's 7:30 at night and not 7:30 in the morning.
10. Call the wrong person in your call log. Pretend that is the person you meant to call. Have a pointless and awkward conversation with that person.
11. Answer the front door without looking through the peephole. It's ALWAYS a missionary.
12. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the same cutting board you cut onions on a few hours ago and forgot to wash off.
13. Make a horribly unflattering face at a party. A stranger might take a picture of that horrible face and then make a meme about it.
14. Buy a bag of potatoes. Leave those potatoes in the cupboard for way too long and completely forget they're there. Open up the cupboard months later and discover your potatoes are growing branches.
15. Updated list item (3/7/2014): See #14 above. Replace the word potatoes with the word garlic. I wouldn't really say the garlic grew branches. It was more vine-like.
I'm sure there are a lot more pieces of anti-advice I can give, but these are the ones that came to mind.
Your turn, readers! Any anti-advice you can give, based on your own mishaps?
Jackie you had me rolling i do the am pm thing all the time when i nap. it totally screws me up and sometimesi dont even know what day it is. This was really good i am so glad i read it. five or 6 of them had me laughing out loud. I always say happy birthday back t people when they say happy birthday. :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha thanks Tom! I hate naps for that reason. It happens almost every time I nap, and I wake up in a total panic, followed by overwhelming amounts of joy when I realize I do not actually have to rush off to work. I'm glad these made you laugh. I'm not so great at the real advice, but I am awesome at giving anti-advice.
DeleteI've done the jalapeno pepper thing before. That is something we'll only do one time (hopefully anyway)! These are funny! Thanks for sharing. I'm scared to list all the stupid things I've done. Even more scared to list them. But, this one came to mind: Once at a funeral, I told the daughter of the deceased, "it's so good to see you." So stupid on my part.
ReplyDeleteI am always saying the wrong thing too. Then I'll talk more to cover up the fact that I said the wrong thing, and it usually makes me awkwardness of the situation grow even more pronounced.
DeleteHa ha...obviously I'm really scared to list the stupid things I've done, since I mentioned it twice!
ReplyDeleteHa ha. Trust me, this list was trimmed down a bit. It could have been longer.
DeleteLet's see...I've already done 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 9, and 10. Number 9 happens to me at least once a month. Don't feel so bad, I think there are far worse things that could be done than the ones on this list.
ReplyDeleteI am genuinely impressed that you have also been hit by a car. Maybe impressed is the wrong word. Let's try that again...I am SURPRISED that you have also been hit by a car. Were you walking, on a bike, or what? How bad of an injury did you get? As a person that has been hit by a car while riding a bike (oops, guess I didn't specify that bike part in this post), I find it entertaining to swap stories with others that have also lived to tell the tale of getting hit by a car.
DeleteFar worse things could have been added to this list, but even I was too embarrassed to post them. This list could be a LOT longer!
I was walking across a parking lot at college to get to class. The person who hit me was doing her makeup as she went to find a parking space and wasn't paying attention to where she was going. She hit me and the girl I was walking with. I wasn't hurt too bad (a few bruises on my legs), though the girl walking with me broke a bone if I recall correctly.
DeleteThat's horrible that the girl actually broke a bone. Stupid drivers. I'm not the best driver, but I haven't hit a person (yet).
DeleteThat is a mighty enough list! I've done 1, 6, 7 and 14 and I swear 7 was the most painful. I've done one more thing which might interest you, but hey, don't even think of repeating the feat: hooking on the seatbelt of your car through the steering!
ReplyDelete