Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What if Wednesday: What if I could Fly

It's What if Wednesday with More Than Cheese and Beer. Today's topic is "What if I could fly."

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When people are asked what superpower they would choose, many of them choose the ability to fly. I totally get it. Flying would be awesome, liberating, and convenient. For me, it would also be somewhat scary.

I have a pretty intense fear of heights. In fact, standing on a ladder can sometimes be a terrifying experience for me. As long as I'm looking upward and onward at whatever I'm trying to reach while I'm standing on that top step of the ladder, I'm fine; however, I'm not fine when I decide to allow my eyes to peer downward onto the ground. That's when those feelings set in. You know, the butterflies in the stomach, the paranoia of falling, and the light-headedness. With that said, I'd have to really try hard to overcome my fear of heights if I wanted to put my flying power to good use. Either that, or I'd become a huge hermit.

Taking my paranoia into account, I'd make sure that I fly with safety in mind. I would carry a back-up parachute with me just in case I had a brain malfunction and forgot how to fly. These said malfunctions occur on a daily basis in the form of forgetting my email password, forgetting garbage day, forgetting to buy toilet paper, and other daily things that I should really remember. How could I trust that I wouldn't space out and totally forget how to fly? That's where the parachute comes in handy.

Sure, the parachute would protect me in case I forgot how to fly, but sometimes I'd need more protection than that. For instance, what if I'm flying over giant lake? That's why I would invest in some high quality water wings. Yes, the things we all wore when we were 4 and doggie paddling in the pee-infested public swimming pool. That way, if I'm flying over a body of water, I won't drown because my water wings will save me.

With the help of my protective gear, I would begin to appreciate my ability to fly. In fact, perhaps I'd even get cocky about it after a while.

Maybe I'd get really close to the windows of passing airplanes and wave to the passengers manically. I can just imagine a passenger looking out the window in hopes of seeing a beautiful bird's eye view of the scenery below, when suddenly they are interrupted by this flying water wing wearing maniac.

That visual sort of reminds of this scene in Liar Liar when Jim Carrey is trying to stop the plane.

I'd snap quick photos of the passengers' reactions. I'm assuming I can't access Instagram from that high up, so I would update my Instagram later on with the pictures. Of course, I'd need the perfect hashtags to accompany the photos. Something tells me #IGaveSomeoneAHeartAttack would be one of them.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Tickled Tuesday: Cooking Mishaps

I'm proud to say that I'm not a horrible cook. Then again, nor am I the best cook. With that said, cooking mishaps are no stranger to me. These mishaps come in various forms. Whichever way they come, they're always uninvited.

Allow me to share my most recent cooking mishap for today's Tickled Tuesday.

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Thanks to Pinterest, I developed a strong and undeniable craving for chocolate chip cookies the other day. Sometimes looking at pictures of cookies just isn't enough to kill the craving, so I did what any impulsive sugar lover what do; I embarked on a chocolate chip cookie baking adventure.

And so it began. I pulled out the Joy of Cooking cookbook and found my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe. Upon first glance at the recipe, I decided that it would be best that I baked just a half batch. After all, there are only two people in my household, and I'm the only one that really likes this type of cookie.

Thanks to my knowledge of simple math and common sense, I instantly knew what to do. I'd decrease each ingredient quantity to half its amount. This worked out really well...until it didn't anymore. My poor short term memory and lack of attention span had other plans for me. You see, I remembered to add half the amount of sugar, butter, vanilla, baking soda, and eggs--yet I didn't remember to add only half the amount of flour.

As soon as the dry ingredients met the wet ingredients in the mixing bowl, it was evident that the flour ratio was off. That's way too much flour, I thought. Oh well. Too late. I pulled the lever on my little red Kitchenaid mixer and let it rip.

As I formed balls of dough to lay down on the cookie sheet, my hands could sense that the texture was off. The dough felt too...floury. In my state of desperate optimism and poor judgement, I thought that maybe these cookies would taste delicious after they were baked. It's nothing 350 degrees can't fix. So I proceeded.

And the aftermath? They looked nice and fluffy, unlike my usual chocolate chip cookies which are usually quite flat. They tasted more like little crunchy biscuits with chocolate chips in them than they tasted like a cookie.

After all that work, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. I was determined. I was going to take a second stab at this. Then I remembered that I can't try to bake another batch because I used up the last drop of vanilla in the first batch. Dammit. You win, cookies. You win.

As I was just about to lose my shit over this cookie debacle, I looked down at my crappy tasting cookies and realized that one of them was smirking at me. Seriously. Look at its face.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Collector's Items

I remember going to friends houses as a child and seeing their collections of Barbies, Hot Wheels, Beanie Babies, or American Girl dolls. These things were all considered normal items to have collections of. While I thought they were great things for my friends to collect, I never really got into collecting such things.

So, what did I collect? My collector's items were limited to mostly tiny packets of jelly that I stole from tables at restaurants, and rolly pollies that I stole from the playground at preschool. It is true. I loved both of those things, and I tried to collect an abundance of each.

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In fact, my mom loves to tell people about the time that she took me to Disneyland, and I dropped my little plastic purse full of jellies off our hotel balcony. Naturally, I was devastated. I talked my mom into going down to rescue the purse full of jellies. When I got there, I was faced with the ugly truth. And what was that ugly truth? My jellies had exploded inside the plastic purse, and it was a sticky mess. I cried. My mom rolled her eyes. I got over it eventually, but I'll never forget.

As for the rolly pollies, I dedicated many a recess to searching for those critters and putting them inside my pants pockets. I'm not sure what I loved so much about those little guys, but it's safe to say that I had a full blown obsession. When my mom did laundry, she was always guaranteed to find a small handful of rolly pollies from the pockets of my pants.

So there you go. I was sort of a weird kid, but who wasn't? 

Readers, what did you collect when you were a kid? Did you have any weird obsessions?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

What if Wednesday: What if I were the Opposite Sex

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It's What if Wednesday with More than Cheese and Beer! Here is today's hypothetical scenario: What if I were the opposite sex?

If I were a man, I'd pee standing up. This means that I'd have to use a urinal in public restrooms. Quite frankly, thinking about using the urinal is anxiety provoking. How do men do it? I mean, I understand how they can physically do it, but don't they feel extremely awkward using public urinals? Just think about it. Although they're facing a wall and are somewhat covered up, they're still unzipping their pants and pulling out their "member" in front of other people. (Do you like my use of the term member? I learned it from Cosmo.) Not to mention, their stream of pee is totally visible to others. And what if you had asparagus that day? Since you're not in a stall to somewhat cover up the scent of your asparagus scented urine, would everyone smell it?

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Of course, there are other aspects of the male gender that sets them apart from females. Take, for instance, wearing boxers as underwear. Don't they get bunched up? Does it get extremely sweaty? That's a lot of extra fabric to wear underneath your jeans, if you ask me. With that said, if I were a man, I'd totally wear tighty whities. By the way, is it just me, or do tighty whities closely resemble a cloth diaper? Whatever. At least I'll be cozy.

Sure, wearing men's underwear and using urinals would be uncomfortable, but there are things about being a man that I would enjoy. For example, not having to waste way too many precious minutes of the day shaving. Men only have to shave their faces. It's totally acceptable to look like a hairy gorilla if you're a man. In fact, growing a beard almost seems like the cool thing to do these days. I'd totally grow a beard. 

Not only do men not have to shave, but they also don't have to go through the horrible getting ready routine that women go through in the morning. There would be no makeup, no blowdrying, and no changing your outfit 500 times before heading out the door and wondering if your ass makes your ass look fat. You would simply shower for 5 minutes, brush your teeth, shave your face if you're that kind of guy, comb your hair, throw on some clothes, and run out the door. Basically, I'd be sleeping in more if I were a man. I'd get ready in 20 minutes instead of an hour.

To sum it all up, life as a man would be much easier. I'd embrace being a hairy individual and would grow a Jesus-like beard. I'd live a more peaceful life by getting extra sleep. And to hell with boxers, bring on the tighty whities! 


PS, You should CLICK HERE to see Tomato Flavored Popsicles' post about using public restrooms from a man's perspective. Totally hilarious. You won't regret it.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Tickled Tuesday #1: Things Kids Say

Welcome to the first Tickled Tuesday linkup!

Some of you probably didn't see my updates about the new linkup I'm doing. I'm hosting it every Tuesday. Each Sunday, I provide a prompt for Tuesday's linkup. You can find that prompt on my Twitter, Facebook, or Google Plus profile. Anyone can link up, and the only requirement is to have fun and write whatever you want on the prompt that was provided for the week. Also, please comment on at least one other participant's post.
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Tickled Tuesday #1: Things Kids Say

If you know me, you know that I love kids. I went to school to be a teacher, and I've worked with kids in various settings, such as preschool and kindergarten classrooms. I have learned many things from working with kids, but one main point that I'm going to emphasize is the fact that they are natural comedians. They are the kings and queens of one-liners, and most of the time they're not even trying to be funny. Yes, they're that good.

Without further ado, here are my top 5 favorite kid quotes that I decided to write about:

1. When I was student teaching in a kindergarten class, one of the kids brought a whoopi cushion in as his show and tell item. It was evident that he was really excited about his chosen object, as he couldn't contain his mischevious grin as he held it behind his back. When my mentor teacher and I noticed that he was holding a whoopi cushion in his hand, we just looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Wanting to be polite and not squelch his spirit, we asked him to please share his special toy with us and tell us a little bit about it. Very matter of factly, he said, "This is my whoopi cushion. I like it when it farts. Any questions or comments?"

2. My mom bought a pony for my younger siblings a long time ago. A few years ago, Penny (the pony) died. I believe my sister was 12 or so at the time. After hearing the news about her pony's passing, my sister was really sad. Here is the conversation that took place between my sister and my mom when she was finally ready to talk about it.

"Penny was like a mom to me."-Sister
"What? How was she like a mom to you?"-Mom
"Well, she always carried me around..."-Sister

3. The following conversation took place between a preschooler and I during nap time:

"We have to turn our voices off during nap time. This is a quiet time."-Me
"My dad says I only have to listen to my parents and God."-Preschooler

4. After prompting a preschooler for what other body parts he could add to the picture he was drawing of his dad (I was thinking something along the lines of ears, mouth, eyes, etc.), he said,"I know! I'll draw his wiener!" He then drew a protrusion coming from his dad's legs.

I can only imagine what he went home and told his parents that day. It was probably something along the lines of, "Miss Jackie told me to draw more of your body parts, and I drew a picture of your wiener for her."

5. During independent writing time, a kindergartener raises her hand for assistance.

"Do you need help sounding out a word?"-Me
"How do you spell pub crawl?"-Kindergartener
"Pub crawl?"-Me
"My mom went on a pub crawl this weekend."-Kindergartener

She then pointed to a picture she had drawn. It had four legs and appeared to be an animal. Assuming it was one of her pets, I asked her what it was. She said that it was her mom crawling home from the pub crawl. I'm not sure if she thought that's what a pub crawl actually was, or if the mother did in fact hit the bars so hard that she had to crawl through the front door.

So there you have it. Kids are the kings and queens of comedy. What funny things have you heard kids say? 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Time

Today is Sunday Confessions time with More than Cheese and Beer. Today's topic? Time.

I've convinced myself that I actually don't run on the same kind of schedule that the rest of the world seems to run on. You know, the schedule that requires you to wake up somewhere between the hours of 5:00 and 7:00 AM feeling cheerful and ready to take on the day? How do these people wake up feeling fully able to function in society so early? 

To me, waking up is like biking up a hill...a painful and slow process that requires many a pep talk. When I wake up in the morning, I have to set a whole series of alarms in order to get up. The first alarm tells me that it's time to get up soon, but that I can still lay down. The second alarm indicates that I should get up if I feel like I don't need an extra 15 minutes, and the third alarm tells me that I better get my ass out of bed unless I want to really hate myself. 

Let's be honest here, I sleep until that third alarm on most days. More often than I'd like to admit, I hit the snooze on that third alarm, giving myself hardly any time to get ready for the day. Those days are painful, and they frequently result in poorly planned outfits, crazy hair, and zero makeup. Those are the days that people say with concerned looks on their faces, "You look...tired today."

All the while, the rest of the world walks around these godawful hours with a bounce in their step and a chipper tone in their voice as they sing those two dreaded words. "Good morning." 

Anway, my point is that my time preferences seem to be out of sync with what is considered the norm, and I wish there was a law that states the following: "No person should have to work before the hours of 10:00 AM, unless they are one of those sociopaths that we call morning people."


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Friday, April 4, 2014

Buying Girl Scout Cookies from Creepy Vans

I've always loved Girl Scout cookie season. Each year, I show my dedication and embrace my inner philanthropist when I purchase 2-3 boxes of Somoas and Thin Mints and eat all of them over the span of 3 days. I'd love to say that I'm loyal to the Girl Scouts of America organization, but when it comes down to it, it's really all about the cookie.

In my lifetime as a Girl Scout cookie enthusiast, I have encountered two different types of Girl Scout cookie sales. One scenario consists of the usual Girl Scout or 3 dressed in uniform so that you know they're official. Alongside them, and usually breathing down their necks as they count back the change, is a mother. This is the real deal, and you know that your money is indeed going to The Girl Scouts of America.

And what's the other scenario? The other scenario is the windowless white van parked at the Chevron station with a handwritten sign taped to the side of the van that says Girl Scout Cookies For Sale. Outside of the sketchy van is a woman that is missing quite a few teeth. Alongside her is a little girl without a Girl Scout uniform on.

To some, it may seem off-putting to make your annual Girl Scout cookie purchase in scenario #2, but not for me. Girl Scout cookies are Girl Scout cookies. Even if you bought them from a sketchy van, they're still going to taste like sugary bits of heaven. And besides, these cookies are only available for a short period of time, so you better take advantage of the first opportunity you get. God forbid it be your last.

With that said, it is no surprise that my fiance and I ended up buying some boxes of Samoas and Thin Mints from the questionable Girl Scout. What are loyal cookie fans to do? This was my first cookie sighting that season, and I clung to the opportunity for dear life. We marched over to the sketchy white van, placed our order, and forked over the cash.

This is where it gets weirder, because the cash had its own agenda. You see, it was an exceptionally windy day, and as soon as the cash was handed over to the possible Girl Scout, it flew away in the wind (the cash, not the girl). With panic-stricken faces, we all ran like mad around the parking lot to catch the flying money.

Luckily, we were able to catch the money, and after I finished making some stupid and pointless comment about how windy of a day it was, my fiance and I were on our way back to my apartment with cookies in tow. And you know what? They were delicious.

A little bit later that day, we were driving around town and spotted real Girl Scouts in their official uniforms, selling cookies. This sighting didn't occur once, but two or three times in various locations around town that very day.

While I try not to read into situations too much, I couldn't help but wonder if this was all a sign that we made a mistake...the money flying away from us as we tried to pay for our cookies, and the Girl Scout sightings around town just moments after our sketchy purchase. As regret started to seep into my conscience, I popped another Samoa into my mouth and remembered that it's all about the cookie.

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