Just stay away from me in the mornings.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Some people wake up naturally cheerful, as if the sun shines out of their asshole or something. They believe it is perfectly acceptable to have a conversation that goes beyond "hi" or "good morning" before 9:00 AM. They might even whistle a Christmas tune.

I, on the other hand, wake up like a black bear who was prematurely woken up during hibernation...ready to maul every living thing that comes into my path. More than once, I've told my alarm clock to go fuck itself. That is not something I'm proud of, but it happens.

It's not just the getting out of bed that I struggle with; it's also the getting out of the door. How the hell do I never know where my keys are? Each weekday morning consists of going on a goddamn treasure hunt through the house for my keys. People keep telling me to just put them in the same place each time I am done with them. It's not that easy, you morons. Okay, maybe it is.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just stay away from me in the mornings. And for the love of God, please don't talk to me.

The Cracker: AKA how to be a horrible friend

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

When we were kids, my sister and I used to make our friends play this game we called The Cracker. It was a fun game for us--for our friends, not so much. After reading the game instructions below, you will quickly come to the conclusion that we're a couple of assholes.

How to play The Cracker

Number of players: 2

Object of the game: Make your opponent gag.


  • Player 1 must take a Saltine cracker out of the snack cupboard. 
  • Player 1 must then search through the condiments until she is sure she has come up with a truly disgusting combination of condiments to dress the cracker with. The grosser, the better. 
  • Player 1 must present the cracker to their unlucky house guest AKA Player 2. 
  • Player 2 must take at least one bite of the cracker and swallow said bite without gagging. 
Hints: My sister and I are always Player 1, and we never lose. Bonus points for adding extra horseradish. 

I guess now I get why my friends didn't come over very often. It's all making sense now.

The formatting is driving me apeshit. I shall fix it at some point. 

What happened to my blog?

Sunday, November 30, 2014

First of all, it turns out I am bad at balancing work, life, and hobbies. The hobby part of my life (which includes blogging) has been absent for months, and as a result of its absence, I have been feeling rather grumpy. The other day, I actually told the buzzer on my dryer to "fuck off," and I think I meant it. 

Also, I started feeling weird about my blog. I wasn't sure if I was writing anything worthwhile. Basically, I fell into a writer's block hell. I'd dream up an amazing post, but as soon as I clicked away on the keyboard and saw the words on the screen, all I saw was complete and utter dog shit--and nobody likes dog shit.

So there you have it. Blogging and I had a falling out, and now I'm back. Please stay tuned for an upcoming post about Christmassy stuff. 

P.S. Christmassy is not a word, according to Blogger. I was skeptical of its nonexistence and did a Google search. It turns out it is a real word. I win this time, Blogger. 

P.P.S. Halloweeny, Eastery, and Thanksgivingy are not real words.

This is what writer's block looks like.

Tickled Tuesday: Honest Slogans

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the weekly Tickled Tuesday linkup! Today's topic: Slogans. Honest slogans, that is. You know how you hear a product slogan and think to yourself, what a load of crap? Well, I do, and we're going to rewrite some for Tickled Tuesday.

What really irks me lately is those Taco Bell breakfast commercials. I mean, what is that? And they say, "The next generation of breakfast is here!" Um, alright. Is the next generation of breakfast a really disgusting one? Call me nuts, but I think I'll stick to my oatmeal. This article showed me everything I need to know about Taco Bell's breakfast.

Okay, okay. I'll put a halt to my Taco Bell rant. After this:

Taco Bell's slogan: Live mas.
What Taco Bell's slogan should really say: Shit mas. You know, for obvious reasons. We've all been there.

I'll branch out of Taco Bell territory now and share some other slogans I decided to rewrite...

Chick-Fil-A's slogan: Eat mor chikin
What Chick Fil-A's slogan should really say: We kant spel. Eet hear.

Red Bull's slogan: It gives you wings.
What Red Bull's slogan should really say: It gives you heart palpitations.

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The Two M's: Marriage and Moving

Sunday, May 18, 2014

I thought that title would catch your eye. Did it work? Are you intrigued? Do you want me to stop pestering you with stupid questions? Are you sure? Fine. I'll get to the point then. Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted at all for the past week, which is definitely a bit out of the ordinary for me. The truth, is I have been a very busy person lately. Two huge events occurred in my little life last week:

2. I moved to a new place!

More is to be said about both of these things, but I am not willing to write an elaborate post right now, and that is simply because I am exhausted beyond belief. At this moment, this is all I can share with you. I will say, though, that I am incredibly happy and grateful for my life. Also, did I mention that I GOT MARRIED?

So, there you go. Consider yourself updated. Carry on.

Tickled Tuesday: My Anti Birthday List

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

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Each year, as a loved one's birthday approaches, we're apparently supposed to ask them what they want for their birthday--that is, if we remember their birthday in the first place. When someone asks what I want for my birthday, I feel put on the spot and also a bit uncomfortable. Making a birthday list is something that I just don't do. Yes, there are things I dream of having someday, but I'm not going to go around asking people to buy me those things. It just doesn't feel right. Plus, where is someone going to find a unicorn anyway?

All jokes aside, I'm kind of the best person to give a gift to. My mother can vouch for this. She jokes about me opening up a package of socks under the Christmas tree, clutching the socks to my chest, and exclaiming, "YES!  I REALLY, REALLY NEEDED SOCKS!" Of course, I would then rip the current socks off my feet, tear open the package of new socks, and promptly apply a pair of those brand new socks to my tootsies. It doesn't matter what the gift is, really. Judge my corniness if you must, but it truly is the thought that counts.

With all of that said, my birthday is next week, and I've heard the birthday list question come up more than once. This year, I have decided that I'm going to give in. That's right. I'm making a list...an anti birthday list. This may not answer the what do you want for your birthday? question, but it should definitely answer what I do not want on my birthday.

My anti birthday list/what I don't want for my birthday

  • A Bob Saget poster
  • A chronic case of diarrhea
  • Tickets to a Justin Bieber concert
  • A poster of Miley Cyrus and her stupid tongue. Put that tongue back in your mouth, woman. What are you, a golden retriever? 
  • Scabies
  • Lice
  • A ferret
  • A snake
  • The book Crafting with Cat Hair
  • Confessions of a Guidette by Snooki
  • Tickets to a Nickelback concert
  • Jury duty
  • A speeding ticket
  • A root canal
  • A blizzard. Let me clarify. If it's a Dairy Queen blizzard, I'll totally take it. If it's the kind of blizzard that involves a large quantity of snow falling from the sky, well, no thanks.

So there you go. I'm not too picky, am I?

What's on your anti birthday list? 
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