Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Tickled Tuesday: Honest Slogans

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the weekly Tickled Tuesday linkup! Today's topic: Slogans. Honest slogans, that is. You know how you hear a product slogan and think to yourself, what a load of crap? Well, I do, and we're going to rewrite some for Tickled Tuesday.

What really irks me lately is those Taco Bell breakfast commercials. I mean, what is that? And they say, "The next generation of breakfast is here!" Um, alright. Is the next generation of breakfast a really disgusting one? Call me nuts, but I think I'll stick to my oatmeal. This article showed me everything I need to know about Taco Bell's breakfast.

Okay, okay. I'll put a halt to my Taco Bell rant. After this:

Taco Bell's slogan: Live mas.
What Taco Bell's slogan should really say: Shit mas. You know, for obvious reasons. We've all been there.

I'll branch out of Taco Bell territory now and share some other slogans I decided to rewrite...

Chick-Fil-A's slogan: Eat mor chikin
What Chick Fil-A's slogan should really say: We kant spel. Eet hear.

Red Bull's slogan: It gives you wings.
What Red Bull's slogan should really say: It gives you heart palpitations.

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Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Two M's: Marriage and Moving

I thought that title would catch your eye. Did it work? Are you intrigued? Do you want me to stop pestering you with stupid questions? Are you sure? Fine. I'll get to the point then. Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted at all for the past week, which is definitely a bit out of the ordinary for me. The truth, is I have been a very busy person lately. Two huge events occurred in my little life last week:

2. I moved to a new place!

More is to be said about both of these things, but I am not willing to write an elaborate post right now, and that is simply because I am exhausted beyond belief. At this moment, this is all I can share with you. I will say, though, that I am incredibly happy and grateful for my life. Also, did I mention that I GOT MARRIED?

So, there you go. Consider yourself updated. Carry on.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Tickled Tuesday: My Anti Birthday List

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Each year, as a loved one's birthday approaches, we're apparently supposed to ask them what they want for their birthday--that is, if we remember their birthday in the first place. When someone asks what I want for my birthday, I feel put on the spot and also a bit uncomfortable. Making a birthday list is something that I just don't do. Yes, there are things I dream of having someday, but I'm not going to go around asking people to buy me those things. It just doesn't feel right. Plus, where is someone going to find a unicorn anyway?

All jokes aside, I'm kind of the best person to give a gift to. My mother can vouch for this. She jokes about me opening up a package of socks under the Christmas tree, clutching the socks to my chest, and exclaiming, "YES!  I REALLY, REALLY NEEDED SOCKS!" Of course, I would then rip the current socks off my feet, tear open the package of new socks, and promptly apply a pair of those brand new socks to my tootsies. It doesn't matter what the gift is, really. Judge my corniness if you must, but it truly is the thought that counts.

With all of that said, my birthday is next week, and I've heard the birthday list question come up more than once. This year, I have decided that I'm going to give in. That's right. I'm making a list...an anti birthday list. This may not answer the what do you want for your birthday? question, but it should definitely answer what I do not want on my birthday.

My anti birthday list/what I don't want for my birthday

  • A Bob Saget poster
  • A chronic case of diarrhea
  • Tickets to a Justin Bieber concert
  • A poster of Miley Cyrus and her stupid tongue. Put that tongue back in your mouth, woman. What are you, a golden retriever? 
  • Scabies
  • Lice
  • A ferret
  • A snake
  • The book Crafting with Cat Hair
  • Confessions of a Guidette by Snooki
  • Tickets to a Nickelback concert
  • Jury duty
  • A speeding ticket
  • A root canal
  • A blizzard. Let me clarify. If it's a Dairy Queen blizzard, I'll totally take it. If it's the kind of blizzard that involves a large quantity of snow falling from the sky, well, no thanks.

So there you go. I'm not too picky, am I?

What's on your anti birthday list? 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Cultivate AKA The Time I Picked All The Carrots

MoreThanCheeseandBeer It's Sunday, which means it is Sunday Confessions time with More than Cheese and Beer. This Sunday Confessions topic is cultivate. Of course, when I hear the word cultivate, I think of farming or gardening. And what do I know about growing any sort of plant? Diddly squat. That's what. 

While I may know nothing about gardening, I do know how to destroy someone else's garden. Before you go judging me for my destructive and careless behavior, please keep in mind that I was 5-years-old at the time of the story I'm about to share with you. 

Okay, onto the story now. After a little background, that is.

This story took place at my childhood friend, Jamie's, house. Jamie and I were always doing something fun, and I have fond memories of the tea parties we would have with her little child-sized tea set. Her mom would make us a little pot of tea, and we would take turns pouring it in the teeny tiny tea cups, followed by dropping a little cube of sugar into the cup to sweeten it up a bit. Jamie and I would sit there and sip on our tea with our pinkies out while we practiced our best 5-year-old American versions of British accents. (I might have made that pinkies out and British accent part up just to make the story sound more interesting, but you get the point. We liked our tea parties.)

Sure, we loved our tea parties, but we also loved playing outside. I remember going on bug hunts in her back yard and swimming in her pool quite a bit, but there was one time that we decided to embark on a gardening adventure. 

You see, Jamie's parents had a really lovely garden in their backyard. I'm not certain as to what exactly they grew, but I do know that they grew lots of carrots. And why do I remember the carrots? Because Jamie and I picked a whole lot of them one day...without the permission of her parents. 

photo credit: arbyreed via photopin cc
In retrospect, I have not a clue as to why we had the impulse to do that. Maybe we thought we were helping her parents by prematurely yanking the carrots from the soil. Maybe we were hungry and decided to pick a few to have for a snack. Who knows, really? One thing I do know is that it was probably my idea and that we were determined to pick those carrots.

Just picture a couple of little girls crouched in the garden and yanking carrots from the soil, giggling and grinning about all the fun they were having. That was us. For a few minutes, this was a very exhilarating experience. Pulling out the carrots felt almost therapeutic. So therapeutic, in fact, that we just couldn't stop pulling them out. 

Her mom was in the kitchen doing the dishes when she looked out the window in horror and realized that we had torn her garden apart. She was the sweetest woman in the world, and this was the first time that I ever heard her raise her voice. We were ordered to stop what we were doing, get out of the garden and into the house. 

Upon entering the house, we received our punishment. Our punishment was to eat all of the carrots we just picked, which, in retrospect, was not exactly a punishment. I mean, we picked the carrots because we wanted to eat them in the first place. I'd say we won.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Mess

Five Minute Friday

It's Friday, and I decided to celebrate the occasion by liking up with Lisa Jo Baker for 5 Minute Friday. For 5 Minute Friday, you write about the given prompt for 5 minutes straight with no editing.

Today's topic? Mess. As a constant mess maker, this is a topic in which I may very well be an expert at. Allow me to explain.

My house goes through two fazes: messy and somewhat decent. Don't get me wrong, I scrub toilets sweep floors, dust, and make sure it's not covered in filth and diseases. When it comes to putting items in their proper place, don't count on me.

Take keys, for instance. What the hell is so difficult about putting keys in the same place every time so as not to embark on the great key hunt every freaking time you want to go somewhere? I don't know why, but I struggle with this every day. I play the "where the hell are my keys" game nearly every time I'm about to walk out the door.

With that said, I think a constant disorganized state creates some adventure and fun in my life that otherwise might not be present. I mean, how boring would it be to say, "Alright, see ya later. I'm going to the grocery store," and then just grab your keys from their designated spot and head out the door?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Tickled Tuesday: Books

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It's Tickled Tuesday again, and this time our chosen topic is books--more specifically, books that make us smile and/or laugh. I suppose you can say these books tickle us.

Here is a stack of my favorites that I pulled from my bookshelf:

All of these books have the ability to keep me up at night with the reading light on, laughing crazy-like until the wee hours. I won't type up a summary for each book; Amazon can do that for you. What I will do is provide you with a favorite quote from each book.

Here is my list of my favorites and a quote to go along with each one:

Naked by David Sedaris: “I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris: “On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From the dog owners I learned "Lie down," "Shut up," and "Who shit on this carpet?" The couple across the road taught me to ask questions correctly, and the grocer taught me to count. Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. "Is thems the thoughts of cows?" I'd ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front window. "I want me some lamb chop with handles on 'em."

Hyperbole And A Half by Allie Brosh: “No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake—not my mom, not Santa, not God—no one. It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves.” 

Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris: “In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, 'Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl'.” 

Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan: "Nobody likes being a new kid. It's uncomfortable and strange. People are mean and call you dog breath."

Wait a second...there's more favorites on my Kindle!

Bossypants by Tina Fey: “It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.” 

Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson: “A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.” 

So there you have it. I love my books, especially the funny ones. What books make you laugh? Go ahead and share them in the comments or by linking up below if you have a blog of your own.

PS, I realize that I just wrote an entire entry consisting of mostly quotes written by others. I cited them. What do you want from me?

PPS, I could have included even more David Sedaris books, but I made myself only choose 3.