Wednesday, December 17, 2014
I, on the other hand, wake up like a black bear who was prematurely woken up during hibernation...ready to maul every living thing that comes into my path. More than once, I've told my alarm clock to go fuck itself. That is not something I'm proud of, but it happens.
It's not just the getting out of bed that I struggle with; it's also the getting out of the door. How the hell do I never know where my keys are? Each weekday morning consists of going on a goddamn treasure hunt through the house for my keys. People keep telling me to just put them in the same place each time I am done with them. It's not that easy, you morons. Okay, maybe it is.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just stay away from me in the mornings. And for the love of God, please don't talk to me.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
How to play The Cracker
Number of players: 2
Object of the game: Make your opponent gag.
- Player 1 must take a Saltine cracker out of the snack cupboard.
- Player 1 must then search through the condiments until she is sure she has come up with a truly disgusting combination of condiments to dress the cracker with. The grosser, the better.
- Player 1 must present the cracker to their unlucky house guest AKA Player 2.
- Player 2 must take at least one bite of the cracker and swallow said bite without gagging.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
What really irks me lately is those Taco Bell breakfast commercials. I mean, what is that? And they say, "The next generation of breakfast is here!" Um, alright. Is the next generation of breakfast a really disgusting one? Call me nuts, but I think I'll stick to my oatmeal. This article showed me everything I need to know about Taco Bell's breakfast.
See that cute little linkup button? Grab the code, and include it in your post, please.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
1. I GOT MARRIED!!!
2. I moved to a new place!
More is to be said about both of these things, but I am not willing to write an elaborate post right now, and that is simply because I am exhausted beyond belief. At this moment, this is all I can share with you. I will say, though, that I am incredibly happy and grateful for my life. Also, did I mention that I GOT MARRIED?
So, there you go. Consider yourself updated. Carry on.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Each year, as a loved one's birthday approaches, we're apparently supposed to ask them what they want for their birthday--that is, if we remember their birthday in the first place. When someone asks what I want for my birthday, I feel put on the spot and also a bit uncomfortable. Making a birthday list is something that I just don't do. Yes, there are things I dream of having someday, but I'm not going to go around asking people to buy me those things. It just doesn't feel right. Plus, where is someone going to find a unicorn anyway?
All jokes aside, I'm kind of the best person to give a gift to. My mother can vouch for this. She jokes about me opening up a package of socks under the Christmas tree, clutching the socks to my chest, and exclaiming, "YES! I REALLY, REALLY NEEDED SOCKS!" Of course, I would then rip the current socks off my feet, tear open the package of new socks, and promptly apply a pair of those brand new socks to my tootsies. It doesn't matter what the gift is, really. Judge my corniness if you must, but it truly is the thought that counts.
With all of that said, my birthday is next week, and I've heard the birthday list question come up more than once. This year, I have decided that I'm going to give in. That's right. I'm making a list...an anti birthday list. This may not answer the what do you want for your birthday? question, but it should definitely answer what I do not want on my birthday.
My anti birthday list/what I don't want for my birthday
- A Bob Saget poster
- A chronic case of diarrhea
- Tickets to a Justin Bieber concert
- A poster of Miley Cyrus and her stupid tongue. Put that tongue back in your mouth, woman. What are you, a golden retriever?
- A ferret
- A snake
- The book Crafting with Cat Hair
- Confessions of a Guidette by Snooki
- Tickets to a Nickelback concert
- Jury duty
- A speeding ticket
- A root canal
- A blizzard. Let me clarify. If it's a Dairy Queen blizzard, I'll totally take it. If it's the kind of blizzard that involves a large quantity of snow falling from the sky, well, no thanks.
So there you go. I'm not too picky, am I?