I need a babysitter.

My fiancè's job allows him to travel a lot, which means I am left alone at my house sometimes for a week at a time. After much deliberation, I have come to realize that I should get a babysitter for those times that I am home alone. Are you confused about why this almost 26-year-old woman needs a babysitter?  Let me provide some examples to back this up.

For the life of me, I cannot remember garbage day. Actually, I remember garbage day the night before, think to myself, I am going to be on top of it today and take the garbage out the night before I have to instead of waiting for tomorrow.  Then my voice of unreason says, Now don't be silly.  There is plenty of time for that later.  You should read a few more pages of Dad is Fat right now.  As soon as I give in to the voice of unreason, all bets are off.  I will forget that I ever remembered about garbage day.  That is, until I notice it the next day after the garbage man has already stopped by my neighborhood.  Crap!

Another reason I need a babysitter is because I constantly break things and cannot figure out how to put them back together.

Take my kitchen cupboard for example.  The top hinge has been slightly loose for a while, but I didn't think it was anything major.  The other day, I pulled the cupboard open as I normally would to throw away some garbage in the waste basket, and the top part of the cupboard completely ripped off the hinges.  From the looks of it, one might think that I got angry and ripped the cupboard door off with my Incredible Hulk-like strength.  That is not the case.  Rather, I used my weak un-Hulk-like force.  You see, it was already sort of on its way to breaking; I just made it official.  I'm good at that.  

Here is another one:  I went to use my Ninja blender to make hummus the other day, and I couldn't figure out how to get it to work.  My hummus ingredients were in the blender ready to go.  I pushed the blend button and braced my ears for the loud blending sound.  Nothing happened.  I tried it again.  Still nothing.  In a moment of panic and desperation, I sent my fiancè a text inquiring about the condition of the blender.  He informed me that I probably put the lid on the wrong way.  Sure enough, I adjusted the lid and got it to work.  I think he was concerned about my ability to operate the blender because he then sent me a text that said, "Don't cut yourself."

I am sure there are lots of other reasons why I need a babysitter, but I think you get the gist.  Since I do not have a babysitter, I currently rely on advice from the fiancè and Google.  Google has been a very reliable babysitter over the years and has taught me how to do many things.  Google does not, however, keep me from breaking things.  It also does not say, "Take out the garbage, and you will get a gold star on your chart!"

With all of that said, I have decided to make a list of qualifications for this babysitter I speak of:

-Must reward me with chocolate, wine, or hundred dollar bills.
-Must not ask me to share those rewards.
-Must laugh at all of my jokes.
-Must not stink.
-Must not take a #2 in my toilet.

If you or someone you know embody the aforementioned traits, please send me a resumè and contact information.  Act quickly, for I don't want to accidentally burn my house down the next time I'm left to my own devices.