Just stay away from me in the mornings.

Some people wake up naturally cheerful, as if the sun shines out of their asshole or something. They believe it is perfectly acceptable to have a conversation that goes beyond "hi" or "good morning" before 9:00 AM. They might even whistle a Christmas tune.

I, on the other hand, wake up like a black bear who was prematurely woken up during hibernation...ready to maul every living thing that comes into my path. More than once, I've told my alarm clock to go fuck itself. That is not something I'm proud of, but it happens.

It's not just the getting out of bed that I struggle with; it's also the getting out of the door. How the hell do I never know where my keys are? Each weekday morning consists of going on a goddamn treasure hunt through the house for my keys. People keep telling me to just put them in the same place each time I am done with them. It's not that easy, you morons. Okay, maybe it is.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just stay away from me in the mornings. And for the love of God, please don't talk to me.