Monday, January 27, 2014

Don't sit at the table across from the bathroom.

I decided to venture out to a coffee shop today to get some much needed work done. A change of scenery can do wonders for my level of productivity, and I was excited about the idea of having an afternoon at the coffee shop plugging away at my to-do list.

After my African peanut soup and ginger tea were ordered, I scanned the shop for a place to sit. Aside from the awkward long table situated in the middle of the room and the tiny table directly across from the bathroom, there was no other place to sit. I chose the tiny table across from the bathroom and began eating my soup and sipping on my tea.  This isn't so bad, I thought.  Nobody is using the bathroom, so that's good.  

Apparently, those positive thoughts were a bit premature and misleading, because moments later, a very large man began walking toward the bathroom. Oh God.  Here we go.
 I hoped with desperation that this man would just do a number one and be done with it.  Nope.  Big Guy most certainly did a number two.  I tried so hard to focus on my work, but all I could focus on were the very unappetizing sounds that were coming from the bathroom.  Did I mention I was eating AFRICAN PEANUT soup?  In any other circumstance, that soup would have been delicious.  Not with this ambiance.  Do you understand just how gross this situation is?  A very large man is pooping loudly in the bathroom, and I am sitting there hearing everything as I try to eat a soup that somewhat resembles what is probably in the toilet.

The more I tried to not hear what was happening in there, the more acutely aware I became.  I thought about putting my headphones in to blur out the noise, but that made me self-conscious.  Maybe Big Guy caught a glimpse of me without headphones on before he went into the bathroom, and now I am wearing headphones.   He will think to himself, "Oh great.  She definitely heard me.  I pooped so loudly that she felt the need to put in headphones in order to muffle the sound.  This is embarrassing.  I think I'll go kill myself."  Naturally, I opted out of using headphones in order to make Big Guy think he was in the clear.

Although I'm not sure how long this went on, I am pretty sure it was at least 5 minutes.  There are no words to describe the immense relief I felt when Big Guy was done.  Finally, I didn't have to work with the soundtrack of Ashittyville Horror in the background anymore.

When he opened the door, an aroma of lavender and diarrhea came lofting into the air.  Why lavender?  I imagine that he must have used a lavender deodorizing spray to mask his evidence.  Either that, or this man eats a crap-load (no pun intended) of lavender.  The moment the lavenpoop scent hit my olfactories, I knew it was best that I get out of there before I completely lost it.  I was done trying to eat my African peanut soup, and I was done sitting at that table.

If there is a moral to this disgusting story, it is to never sit at the table across from the bathroom, and if you have to, put in your headphones immediately after sitting down.  And don't breathe.

P.S. If you can think of a better nickname for Big Guy, I'd love to hear your suggestions.  I'll pick my favorite one from the ones you come up with and edit the story to replace his name.  I look forward to reading your suggestions.


11 comments:

  1. How about Hugh Jass or Martin McFartin.

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    1. Thank you so much for your name suggestions. You are the ONLY person who has contributed to this discussion...go you! Martin McFartin is in the lead right now. I'm going to wait a while and see if anyone else wants to speak up before I change the name.

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  2. Martin McFartin for the win!

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    1. Thank you for your vote, Anonymous Person!

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  3. I am having trouble coming up with a name better than the ones suggested, but I definitely feel your pain. My desk is right next to the bathroom that all the men in the office use. ALL THE BIG MEN. I constantly hear/smell lavenpoop. (BTW, love that name) This post had me rolling!

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    1. Ugh you have to smell/hear that all day? I am so sorry. Also, I am so glad someone found this post funny. I was worried it was just being interpreted as disgusting and not humorous.

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  4. I cannot imagine hearing the noises through the wall and i found myself cringing while hoping you would not eventually get the smell to follow the awful noise. I thought about the name and i have nothing. Excellent work lady. One great thing about blogging is no matter how shitty the experience at least you will have a blog post to show for it. HAHA do you see what i did there

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    1. Thanks Tom! And yes, it was an extremely SHITTY experience! Ha ha

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  5. Hilarious post! I can't seem to come up with names. I'll have to have Bill read this post. He's sure to come up with something. I had a friend's father tell me once, never be seated at a table next to the bathroom in a restaurant, you deserve better than that. I think of that comment every time I have to sit in a seat on an airplane next to the bathroom. Same experience!

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    1. Yeah. Let's just say that will be the last time I'll be seated next to the bathroom.

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    2. And thanks! I am glad you liked it :)

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