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It's What if Wednesday with More than Cheese and Beer! Here is today's hypothetical scenario: What if I were the opposite sex?
If I were a man, I'd pee standing up. This means that I'd have to use a urinal in public restrooms. Quite frankly, thinking about using the urinal is anxiety provoking. How do men do it? I mean, I understand how they can physically do it, but don't they feel extremely awkward using public urinals? Just think about it. Although they're facing a wall and are somewhat covered up, they're still unzipping their pants and pulling out their "member" in front of other people. (Do you like my use of the term member? I learned it from Cosmo.) Not to mention, their stream of pee is totally visible to others. And what if you had asparagus that day? Since you're not in a stall to somewhat cover up the scent of your asparagus scented urine, would everyone smell it?
Of course, there are other aspects of the male gender that sets them apart from females. Take, for instance, wearing boxers as underwear. Don't they get bunched up? Does it get extremely sweaty? That's a lot of extra fabric to wear underneath your jeans, if you ask me. With that said, if I were a man, I'd totally wear tighty whities. By the way, is it just me, or do tighty whities closely resemble a cloth diaper? Whatever. At least I'll be cozy.
Sure, wearing men's underwear and using urinals would be uncomfortable, but there are things about being a man that I would enjoy. For example, not having to waste way too many precious minutes of the day shaving. Men only have to shave their faces. It's totally acceptable to look like a hairy gorilla if you're a man. In fact, growing a beard almost seems like the cool thing to do these days. I'd totally grow a beard.
Not only do men not have to shave, but they also don't have to go through the horrible getting ready routine that women go through in the morning. There would be no makeup, no blowdrying, and no changing your outfit 500 times before heading out the door and wondering if your ass makes your ass look fat. You would simply shower for 5 minutes, brush your teeth, shave your face if you're that kind of guy, comb your hair, throw on some clothes, and run out the door. Basically, I'd be sleeping in more if I were a man. I'd get ready in 20 minutes instead of an hour.
To sum it all up, life as a man would be much easier. I'd embrace being a hairy individual and would grow a Jesus-like beard. I'd live a more peaceful life by getting extra sleep. And to hell with boxers, bring on the tighty whities!
PS, You should CLICK HERE to see Tomato Flavored Popsicles' post about using public restrooms from a man's perspective. Totally hilarious. You won't regret it.