Wednesday, April 9, 2014

What if Wednesday: What if I were the Opposite Sex


photo credit: lukeamotion via photopin cc

It's What if Wednesday with More than Cheese and Beer! Here is today's hypothetical scenario: What if I were the opposite sex?


If I were a man, I'd pee standing up. This means that I'd have to use a urinal in public restrooms. Quite frankly, thinking about using the urinal is anxiety provoking. How do men do it? I mean, I understand how they can physically do it, but don't they feel extremely awkward using public urinals? Just think about it. Although they're facing a wall and are somewhat covered up, they're still unzipping their pants and pulling out their "member" in front of other people. (Do you like my use of the term member? I learned it from Cosmo.) Not to mention, their stream of pee is totally visible to others. And what if you had asparagus that day? Since you're not in a stall to somewhat cover up the scent of your asparagus scented urine, would everyone smell it?





photo credit: Elsie esq. via photopin cc

Of course, there are other aspects of the male gender that sets them apart from females. Take, for instance, wearing boxers as underwear. Don't they get bunched up? Does it get extremely sweaty? That's a lot of extra fabric to wear underneath your jeans, if you ask me. With that said, if I were a man, I'd totally wear tighty whities. By the way, is it just me, or do tighty whities closely resemble a cloth diaper? Whatever. At least I'll be cozy.

Sure, wearing men's underwear and using urinals would be uncomfortable, but there are things about being a man that I would enjoy. For example, not having to waste way too many precious minutes of the day shaving. Men only have to shave their faces. It's totally acceptable to look like a hairy gorilla if you're a man. In fact, growing a beard almost seems like the cool thing to do these days. I'd totally grow a beard. 

Not only do men not have to shave, but they also don't have to go through the horrible getting ready routine that women go through in the morning. There would be no makeup, no blowdrying, and no changing your outfit 500 times before heading out the door and wondering if your ass makes your ass look fat. You would simply shower for 5 minutes, brush your teeth, shave your face if you're that kind of guy, comb your hair, throw on some clothes, and run out the door. Basically, I'd be sleeping in more if I were a man. I'd get ready in 20 minutes instead of an hour.

To sum it all up, life as a man would be much easier. I'd embrace being a hairy individual and would grow a Jesus-like beard. I'd live a more peaceful life by getting extra sleep. And to hell with boxers, bring on the tighty whities! 

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

PS, You should CLICK HERE to see Tomato Flavored Popsicles' post about using public restrooms from a man's perspective. Totally hilarious. You won't regret it.

12 comments:

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    1. This was probably my favorite post so far. I had way too much fun writing it. Thanks for the great prompt!

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  2. I never really thought about all the thoughts about men peeing in a urinal. I suppose it's a lot like us women taking a dump in a public bathroom. That would so make the following awkward moment more awkward... "Yeah, are you in there?" Why yes I am. Can I help you? "Really? How did you get there?" I just walked in. Okay... "Hold on, some idiot in the next stall keeps responding, let me call you back when I'm done here."

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    1. Ha ha. Great example. Public restrooms really are the most awkward things in the world.

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  3. I always used to think that it would be easier being a man. Then I got to know this guy who is also really close friends with my best (male) friend. He'd be talking about things that were worrying him and how he felt about things that had happened in the past. I felt at a bit of a disadvantage in term of offering advice because I'd never met any of the people he was talking about. So I asked what our other friend had said about these things, just assuming that they would have spoken about them before. He said they'd never talked about it, it had never come up. This happened a few more times. Then I realised that there were also a whole bunch things in my best friend's life that this new friend had never heard about, which surprised me but he just said, 'well, we're men, we don't talk about things like that.' Which just made me very sad for the both of them and very glad that I'm not also a man.

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    1. Men are odd creatures, really. They really don't talk about things most of the time, do they? Thanks for bringing up that point.

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  4. Men do have it easier in the grooming department, but they also usually have more physically difficult jobs and get dirtier and have to be the bug killer in the house. And I just definitely could not do that.

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    1. I'm totally the bug killer in my household. I'm not kidding.

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  5. In the end, you girls typically live 5-10 more years than us. I'd say you're winning.

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    1. Yes, this is true. I suppose when I'm old I can grow a beard just like a man too. That happens to old ladies, I think. Anyway, then I'll get the best of both worlds.

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  6. As for excess material in underpants, we need to remember that men's jeans are not designed to hug the bottom the way womens' jeans do. My boyfriend refuses to wear anything but knit jersey boxers, which are almost IMPOSSIBLE to find (most boxers are button-down-shirt-type cotton and he requires t-shirt-type cotton, not to mention his waistband stipulations). From what he's told me/observing him jigging around the house, briefs and boxer briefs are -too- confining, which is uncomfortable, but boxers let things flop around a bit too much...and that's before we take into account the way things apparently stick together if there's any sweat going on in there. On the flip side, my cousin's husband borrowed tighty whities from my uncle (long story) and now they're part of his regular mantie rotation. I think I'd be a boxer-brief guy.

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    1. That's hilarious that he borrowed tighty-whities from your uncle...yikes. Also, I might be with you on the boxer briefs.

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